So No Onomastics Experts here then?

So No Onomastics Experts here then?
Dear Starbucks: you make me want to be a different person. And no, I don’t mean a better person or a more admirable person. I mean literally a different person, with a different name and a different identity. How else should I cope with the fact that you butcher my name every morning? Why do you even bother to ask for a name if you’re going to slaughter it? – just give me an order number. That’s way less embarrassing than having to respond when you call out ‘Tara’ or ‘Tyra.’ My name is Tiernan. It’s not phonetically that difficult and I’m most definitely a man. My parents did not hate me enough to name me a girl’s name. But you do, Starbucks. You hate me. And I think it’s probably time to break off our relationship –  Dunkin’s is closer to my apartment anyway.